Funny Stuff

FUNNY STUFF
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Best Senior Moment I've Heard!

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and a antiwar protester.

There were protesters at the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America.

I politely declined to take one.

There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice, the young woman said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said: Honey, my father died in France during WWII, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so a bitch like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I will stick this umbrella up your ass and open it!"

God bless America - I love getting old.

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing hoodies arrived.

St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting to come in.

God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."

"The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates, said St. Peter."

Floor Mats to Make You Smile

AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

THOUGHT for the day: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

SOME ADDITIONAL ADVICE: NEVER,UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE AND SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT.

NEW 08/03/2103
Last changed: 13 Apr 2019