WARNING:  Some of My Funny Pages Contain Off-Color Language, If You Don't Like Cussin', Please Just Quietly Go Away and Don't Go There

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To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you for something, ask them if they want fries with that.

4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso...

5. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'For Marijuana'.

6. Skip down the hall rather than walking and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.

9. Sing along at the Opera.

10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.

11. When the money comes out the ATM, scream I won! I won!'

12. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling 'Run for your lives! They're loose!'

13. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'

14. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity:
Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter, and ask where the fitting room is. :-)

We've all seen the Smart Car, here's what could happen with other makes.......

  the Smorvette

  the Smaudi A3 AWD

  the Smamborghini

  the Smorsche

  the Smerrari

How to wash a toilet

This is simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you! :-)

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely, The Dog

Dear Mum & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried.

We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat.

We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.
Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed.
It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders.
It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24.
He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.
In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops.
All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids.
Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast.
It's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out.
It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges.
When Ryan dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.
He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.
I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo.

Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love as always, your only son,

Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy,
management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 40-years of age and above on early retirement....

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice, and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Only persons who have been Raped can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents and Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives its employees.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of your Supervisor.
They have been trained to give you all the SHIT that you can handle.

Sincerely, Jane Pitts

NEW FEB21/2007, APR13/2019, NOV07/2022
Last changed: 07 Nov 2022